The inter-web is becoming a cesspool of stupidity and I think it’s time we break up. In the past months, I’ve doubted our relationship often. I find the inter-web controlling and incredibly annoying. Using that criteria, if it were a man he’d have been ditched long ago. If my addiction to the local mom’s buy/sell/trade group and Pinterest (How did I ever make dinner before? No really, how?) were not so strong, I’d unplug and never look back. But alas, I just can’t say goodbye. Ours is definitely a dysfunctional relationship.

In the past few months the inter-web has served me well with my Nugget struggles. Out there in the ether that is the web, I have met amazing parents who have walked my path and told me what to expect after surgery, what brand of hearing aid is best and when to stop listening to doctors and trust my gut. Likewise I’ve been able to offer big cyber hugs to anxious moms with babies awaiting kidney surgery and reassurance to distraught parents who were just handed their own Microtian. In that vein it’s really amazing.

But that, dear reader, is such a small bit of positivity in a growing area of UGH. When did we start using the internet as the main vehicle for bitching and whining? People of the inter-web can find something to complain about in even the most mundane and innocent posting. Post a photo of a puppy with a kid and you’ll quickly be schooled on dog cruelty or child endangerment. Post a photo of food and you’ll hear about unhealthy choices or starving children suffering while you gorge. No matter what you photo you post, you are bound to piss someone off and they will absolutely need to tell you about it. UGH! (I seldom post photos because I’m offensive enough with the written word.)

Then there’s the fake news that really riles up old people and the uber religious who are looking to be offended. Last week a few elderly Facebookers posted about U.S. public schools forcing kids to say Muslim prayers and each poster was adamant this was true. Oh reeeeeeally. Having recently worked in public schools and having a child in public school I ask, where is your evidence old people? ‘Cause I ain’t seen nuthin. Furthermore, I never even saw that when I taught in Turkey – a Muslim nation. Hmmmmmmmmmm…

Next up there was a post, by the same crew of old people, that “Obama is pulling Fixer-Upper off the air because the hosts share their Christianity.” Fo real old people? Tell me you don’t actually believe that the President of the U.S.of A. sits around watching HGTV looking for the rare prayer? (PS – I think it’s been sufficiently demonstrated repeatedly everywhere but on FoxNews that he’s a Christian too…but what evs.) If Barry O is watching Fixer-Upper, I think he’d be far more concerned with the fact that there is always an unexpected expense at the midpoint of the show which the buyers ALWAYS agree to. Come on now. Who believes this? (I’m not a fan. It’s the Turk. He’s a HGTV junkie. I’m only a collateral viewer.)

All of this brings us to the current war on Christmas. (Note it old people, it’s not real.) My Jewish friends and Muslim family members are way better at celebrating Christmas than I, a life-long lapsed Catholic. The only war on Christmas I’ve seen is the war on stores opening for Christmas shopping on Thanksgiving and premature hall decking. Both of those are wars I can get behind. Please stop posting memes that say “I’m going to be offensive and say Merry Christmas this year. Are you?” Nobody cares. Even my mother-in-law who cannot speak a word of English and thinks Christmas is December 31st, says Merry Christmas. I’ve got Jewish friends who send me Christmas cards. This is all ridiculous. If you want to say something offensive, call me. I can teach you how to be offensive in 2 languages. You’re welcome.

Oh, and as for this red Starbuck’s cups crap? Shut the hell up. It’s stupid. Amen.

Ultimately the web is a bunch of neighborhoods and if you know the neighborhood, you know what to expect there. If you want to avoid riff-raff, (I’m looking at you Facebook,) just stay in your neighborhood where the worst you’ll have to deal with is the nosy neighbor. (PS- I’ve recently realized in our real-life neighborhood I’m the nosy neighbor. I’m just a step away from throwing my hair up in curlers and donning a fuzzy robe when I spy out my kitchen window over a cup of coffee. I need a job.)

A few weeks ago the Nugget came home from Grandma’s with a new toy, a Chuck Norris action figure circa 1983. Though his karate chops are slower and his leg no longer has the rubber band for a kung-fu kick, he’s found a place as protector in our home. He sits by the front door at night, travels to work in the Turk’s briefcase occasionally and even made an unsuspecting trip to second grade in a backpack. We’re seriously considering getting rid of our Turkish nazar (evil eyes) and using Chuck to protect us from bad juju. So I’ve decided to harness the protection of Chuck as I surf the web. Though I know the real Chuck is now one of the crazies intent on believing in the war on Christmas and protesting the non-existence of Muslim prayers in public schools, I’m choosing to remember Chuck as he was – a truth seeking badass. Together, 1983 Chuck and I will ignore the crazies and travel the web together and as we encounter those offended by red cups we will say, “Chuck be with you.”

Chuck

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