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With all the Powerball hoopla happening it’s hard not to get sucked in. Let me rephrase that. It’s hard for me not to get sucked in. My husband, the Turk, is having no problem avoiding the excitement.

“Why everyone throwing money away like this. You know odds of actually winning?” He snarled.

“No. I don’t do math so I don’t know the odds but I know they suck. It’s just fun.”

“You think people give money to government is fun? I do not give my taxes for fun.” (He’s been an American for two years and he’s already a budding hostile Libertarian.)

“That’s not what I mean. I mean it’s just fun to dream about winning, you know, your life changing in seconds like that.”

“Well I think it is stupid. People act like sheep. Same here. Same in Turkey.”

And because I’m a well-educated woman who’s made a career of crafting witty retorts using nuances of the English language, I replied with, “Shut up. You suck.”

Though my husband made it clear he wouldn’t be condoning any Powerball purchases, I was quite certain he’d be willing to spend my dough if *nay* when, I won. (I once read a book about how visualizing what you want makes it happen. I don’t think that applied to the Hoosier Lottery but it couldn’t hurt right?) Being the responsible mother I am, after a day of grocery gathering, I snuck off to the nearest gas station with my offspring in tow to buy the winning ticket. (Don’t judge me, it was an economics lesson for the kids.)

After waiting in line, explaining the process to my inquisitive 7 year-old and then debating our chances given the numbers we’d drawn, we began to spend our millions.

The Nugget just wanted to buy cookies. Lots and lots of cookies. I’m not sure if that was his immediate need or if he had plans of building a lotto-winner size grotto of snickerdoodles. He’s 2. Either is possible.

Number One Son was more interested in a mansion with separate rooms for video games and Legos. He also wanted cookies but he was hoping we could take care of that without a lotto win.

As for me, my plan was simple. After I paid off all the debts of myself and those family members I actually like, bought an island, changed my name to Cher, build homes for my BFFs on our compound and started college funds (Because let’s be honest, by the time Nugget gets to college it will take a lotto win to pay for it.) I would use my money do to the things I’ve long dreamed of doing but it became evident I’ve got a few political axes to grind.

Upon receipt of my lotto winnings, my first order of business is to buy off and take down the Donald J. Trump campaign. (Donald J. Turdface as my brilliant son has appropriately renamed him.)

Next, I will bankroll a lobby to pass legislation forcing insurance companies to cover children’s hearing aids. (Most aids aren’t currently covered, as they’re considered elective. Yes, you read that right- hearing is elective. As the insurance woman told us, “You guys are lucky. We cover his since his is considered a prosthetic for the missing ear.” Um yeah, lucky was the first thought that came to mind when my kid was born with one ear.)

Once I get my footing with manipulating the government on that one, I’m moving on to women’s health and education lobbies. It’s time to put the artsy, not just the fartsy, back in schools.

Next, I will throw my millions towards attacking the NRA. Their false propaganda has worked well for them so as one of the richest women in the world, I’ll turn the tables. (I’m coming for you LaPierre.)

And to round things out, I will throw my remaining cash at the following services to better our nation-

Making sure Sara Palin is never allowed to enter politics or punditry again. (That woman drives me insane. I’ll be forever grateful I did not live in America when she was a VP candidate. Hearing her ridiculous ramblings translated into Turkish was bad enough.)

Banning the Kardashians from any and all “news” programs. (Why won’t these people go away?)

And buying out Fox News and burning the entity as a first step towards bringing honesty back to news.

While I prattled on and on to my now bored stiff children about what mommy was going to do with her millions, I realized, I’d just become one of the Koch brothers – using my money to manipulate a democracy to get whatever I wanted, not what was best for the people. (Though you all know that what I want is what’s right for the people…right?) Being imaginary rich made me a vindictive asshat. I wasn’t expecting that. That sucks.

I guess it was a relief to wake up Saturday morning, still poor but with my soul in tact. I guess I’m not cut out for wealth as I’ve got abuse of power written all over me. Self awareness blows.

But now the pot is up to over a billion and my shot at winning is about the one in a billion as well so after school-pick up I’ll sneak off and we’ll do it all again. However, this time I think I’ll stop my imaginary spending after I change my name to Cher and let the rest play out after I cash the giant check

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4 thoughts on “My Pretend Lotto Win Turned Me Into A Koch Brother

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